March 03, 2005

Kids don't appreciate anything these days. They get everything handed to them.

Alaska Kim is right, kids do not know the meaning of appreciation these days. Some parents think for them. It sucks, but it's true. Sad

Well I'd agree that spoiling kids is very bad for them. But it is adults that spoil them. It's a hame it is that way but don't turn against him. He's still your child.

Absolutly true. I need some advice here boys and girls. My one and only daughter just turned 16. Boyfriend is 19. Just flunked out of first year of college. The boy told me he had nothing but "honorable" intentions for my daughter. He lied to my face. Daughter wants birth control now. I looked it up. This is a class one misdemeanor in Virginia if one is 15, 16, 17 and the other 18 or older. Just found out yesterday. Boy's Mom and Grandmother support this. I don't think Grandpa knows. Oh and boy didn't tell parents he'd fluncked out. I ended up telling them that. Thought they knew.
What say you wise ones.

Sons without fathers (or with slobbering, henpecked versions of them) often grow up coddled and obtuse, never having worked a day in their lives.

He'll have a hell of a shock waiting for him in the real world.

I certainly am not wise - But having Two daughter 27 and 21. Long story short - If I had it to do over I put them on Birth control and work on there morals after that. I would have had more guranteed results. (looking to be raising my second grandchild)

Mark --

heinlein said it best - do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.

Ease up on the boy. Kids normally don't write letters or send thank you notes. Those that do considerate things have been taught and have proper upbringing, as we say. Blame the mom, not the kid.

However, let him know that he is very special to his grandmother and that he needs to use this opportunity to talk with her, as there will be a time that he will never have the chance again.

If he's afraid to call in front of his mother, send him one of those prepaid phone cards or cell phones so that he can call your mom in private.

This advice is worth exactly what you paid for it, but it's my opinion and experience.

Maybe your son is afraid of the feelings associated with death. There are people 5 times his age who still cant come to terms with it. He also may be afraid of showing emotion for your dying mother (his grandmother of course, but YOUR mother) in front of his mother and family he has to spend everyday with. I realize it frustrates you, but you also cant take the anger of watching your mother wither away out on your son. It's something you will regret at a later time. It's beyond hard growing up in a broken family especially one that makes you take sides like your wife has done.

Ed -- get your daughter a depo provera shot. It is birth control that lasts for 3 months. That way she can't forget to take a pill everyday, and the shot is almost 100% reliable.
I agree with Mark, work on the morals later. Chances are she won't end up with that loser in the long run, she'll wise up and grow up eventually. At least she won't be strapped with a kid in a few years.
I feel for ya. I am SO glad I had a boy.

Some people are just not writers. My dad and I are the only McGehees from our rump branch of that noble clan to have ever had the inclination to write, and both of us are gradually getting over it as we age. If it weren't for blogging and commenting I'd be as unscrivened these days as if I'd never learned to read.

I think sometimes, even with good intentions we do more for our kids than we should. I think we do a diservice to a child that doesn't have to do anything, hold any responsibility or duties. These are the kids that move out into the real world and very ill equiped to handle it. Hopefully his mom will figure that out.
As for the person with the teenage daughter, I agree, birth control first, morals later. She's asked and she's asked for it for a reason which shows she's being responsible so far.
Of course we don't like to think of our children that way, and I can tell from experience, no matter what you say or teach her.. it's always in the back of her head. So, you have hope for her future. But never turn a blind eye to what you don't want to happen cause they do it anyway. Good luck to both of you.

Is it possible he never got your letters? I have an SOB, sneakyass brother in law who wouldn't think twice about taking someone else's mail.

It sounds like your ex is cut from the same cloth.

At his age, it takes nagging, errrr, gentle prodding to do the right thing.

I agree with all above whom support birth control for daughter above. If she's asking for it, she's probably already been sexually active. The morals thing has probably already been defined hence the decision to be sexually active. I don't say this to be ugly. Let it serve as a reminder to those with young adults that are coming up the road. Give credit where it is due. Recognizing the need for birth control is a responsible decision.

YO, PICK UP THE DOGDAMN PHONE!

AND IF IT MEANS THAT MUCH TO YOU, CALL THE EX-BITCH, STILL BITCH, AND GET A PHONE NUMBER FOR THE HEIR APPARENT....

BEJUS, I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU...SHORT TIME THAT I'VE BEEN HERE..

PUT IT ON THE L I N E !!!

Thanks Kim--I'm thinking along similar lines. I was thinking a prescription for two morning after pills. One for daughter, one for me, and a cyanide cap for soon to be tortured boyfriend if daughter has to ask for my bc pill. She's hiding in her bedroom and will be until I make a decision. "It's good to be King!" It's also sad. (An aside: daughter is A+ gifted, particularily in writing, and could do Rob's challenges at age nine. Now she's A+ hormone challenged!)
I don't want to steal Rob's thread. Children can be so cold hearted and selfish sometimes. They really do not comprehend death and mortality except in an intelluctual way, even when their friends fly through windshields. When does true empathy evolve? I don't know. Maybe, Rob , your son is frightened and not really selfish. Nonetheless, he needs to be taught proper etiquette and respect to those that have loved him and still do. This is hard with a BC running the show. I beat my BC and have had custody since she was three. It took 14 court battles in three states. I would like to exchange some war stories sometimes. Nuff said for now.

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAACK...with a p.s.....

if the little shit won't call gran if you get to speak to him, just tell the little prick that

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!!!

Ditto with my son. He's now 32 years old. He's in my will - he gets one dollar from the estate. That's so it will be real hard for him to break the will, and will send the proper message!

Rob,

I'll go with the mail never reaching him. With all I've read about the BC that's my bet. Perhaps you can find a neutral party to inform him.

Ed,

I have a shirt-tail neice (she and her sister 'adopted' me when I was dating their aunt) who was determined to be a "wild thing". Her mother knowing this kept her under her thumb until she was 16 then put her on birth control and limited her boyfriends to within 2 years in age differencial. Not 25 months, 24 months difference in age. Period!

I know that when I was 18 and the girlfriend was 17 her mother put the fear of little Italian women into me. Even today a little fear, calmly and coldly applied, may still go a long way.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to explain the law to this jerk and probably wouldn't hurt for him to see you cleaning a firearm of some kind. That is, if you are willing to overlook him lying to you.

Ed -- the morning pill is a whole nother bottle of wine. I don't believe in abortion. Get her on depo provera, it is effective within about 24 hours. It is about $80 a shot where I live, but that is nothing compared to raising a grandchild.
I believe in pro-choice, BEFORE conception. Get her on the depo.

I respect where you're coming from Rob and I agree...to an extent. Personally, I'd cut the kid a little slack, given the fact that his mother has cut you out of his life, so now Quinton has no one to tell him what the right thing to do is. Obviously his mother is as useless as tits on a bull.

Ed, I agree with Alaska Kim and Mark. Your 16 year old must have birth control. Another of my daughters is an RN, very smart, and works for the Pubic Health Dept. doing birth control. She reccommends Depo Povera also. But get it from a private outfit if possible, not the health dept.. The latter will not even communicate with you directly, for fear you are adversely lording over your poor daughter ["confidentiality"] due to your controllist maleness. [Not!]

Support your daughter especially due to her fine academic work. She will do well.

Anecdotally, I have a 15 y.o. daughter who has been sleeping with a 20 y.o. right under the roof of my exwife's house - actually spending the night there in full knowledge of everyone! This daughter is not amenable to my rules, but the only way to get her through is the way I'm doing it, working with what she is. She's very insightful and capable when she decides to be. If she lives, she will be ok.

My remaining 17 y.o. "black Miss America" daughter has moved out of her mother's house, and is on the way to being President. I'm supporting her fully, hoping to become the first male Barbara Bush.

I don't know what to tell Acidman, but do know he will find a way in spite of being an absolute hammerhead, or because of it.

OK Kim, jokes aside, I think you got a real good suggestion. My conundrum is really a moral one in that I do not in any way condone the daughter being sexually active. However, responsibility must rule and if God Forbid! (Well the door is open and the horse is out, or in, oh just hell!). How do I make it clear that I do not in any way condone said behavior, but by the way, here's your ticket, i.e., prescription. It's almost tacit approval and that is most definately the message I don't want to send.
More thoughts?

Ed, I strongly advise getting her on birth control but do NOT advise that you get her on depo provera. She is sill laying down bone density that she will need for the rest of her life. Depo provera for more than a year is shown to cause women to LOSE bone density. Please encourage her to discuss all of her options, including ortho evra patches, before making a choice. Also, IMHO, it does not matter whether she gets her care at a private vs health dept. setting. She can sign her own consent for care related to pregnancy, contraception, or STD. Any provider who would talk to you about her care, without her consent, is commiting a violation of the privacy act..
Rob, Please call that young man and make your expectations clear. He is still a young sprout. I don't care how big his Mama thinks her balls have grown. Noone can teach your son to be a man the way that you can teach him. Pick up that phone!

Right, Robin: we wouldn't want to violate the "privacy act", which, strangely applies to minors only in regard to medications used for the purposes of birth control. Why it would be very important, if not mandatory, for the custodian to know what medication their minor child is on in all other cases is a mystery. At least to you, apparently.

Because, the way it works in Public Health depts., the minor is not even asked if there is anyone they would allow to have the nature of their med. released to. If the parent comes in, the child is not routinely even asked if she wants her parent to be in on knowledge of the exact treatment used - so that maybe the parent could have a handle on side effects and other problems of actually using the method? The child may not even know this option exists if the "authorities" do not present it. After all they are not adults.

A private provider, or at least one with an M.D. directly involved is going to have as a priority the efficacy of treatment and the potential side-effects and other problems related to the use of the treatment, not the "confidentiality" of the minor, which in effect works against the correct delivery of medical care. In cases where the parent wants to be involved, which should be the model, the private facility is going to be much more likely to practice good medicince in this respect.

This is simply the way it is, unless the private facility has also become taken over by the agenda-driven morons.

Right, Robin: we wouldn't want to violate the "privacy act", which, strangely applies to minors only in regard to medications used for the purposes of birth control. Why it would be very important, if not mandatory, for the custodian to know what medication their minor child is on in all other cases is a mystery. At least to you, apparently.

Because, the way it works in Public Health depts., the minor is not even asked if there is anyone they would allow to have the nature of their med. released to. If the parent comes in, the child is not routinely even asked if she wants her parent to be in on knowledge of the exact treatment used - so that maybe the parent could have a handle on side effects and other problems of actually using the method? The child may not even know this option exists if the "authorities" do not present it. After all they are not adults.

A private provider, or at least one with an M.D. directly involved is going to have as a priority the efficacy of treatment and the potential side-effects and other problems related to the use of the treatment, not the "confidentiality" of the minor, which in effect works against the correct delivery of medical care. In cases where the parent wants to be involved, which should be the model, the private facility is going to be much more likely to practice good medicince in this respect.

This is simply the way it is, unless the private facility has also become taken over by the agenda-driven morons.

It was worth saying twice. But I could do it again, too if there is a popular demand for it.

Hi Guys -- Thanks for the advice. I seldom ask for or take it, but in this case I made an exception. The daughter will get my answer on Monday as promised. The short answer is: I do not condone this behavior and you will not be fucking like bunnies under my roof, here's your prescription, and no, you can't go out to his performance this Sunday because Dad is still pissed, even if asshat boyfriend does play guitar better than me!
The wife and I were high school sweethearts who broke up and moved on to disastrous marriages. She had two, me one. Fifteen years after high school we hooked back up. (Daughter is from BC first marriage). The rest is history. I figure the wife and I commited 23 class 4 felonies, and 462 class one misdemenors. We fucked like bunnies. It's hell to get old!

Ed -- I know exactly how you feel -- putting her on birth control is pretty much giving her the go-ahead. But, I have a 15 year old son, and I used to think the same way -- that buying him condoms is giving him my approval to have sex. After a lot of eye-openers by a handful of my male friends, I realized that it doesn't matter what I say, if kids are going to do it, they are going to do it whether you like it or not. As hard as we try to raise them differently, it is just a fact of life. Now as much as I hate the thoought of him doing it, and all the while wish that he would hate girls til he's about 30 years old, if he asks me or my husband to buy him condoms, we will. I don't want to see him screw up at this young age, and have a child support order strapped to him for the next 18 years. Tell your daughter you absolutely do not condone what she is doing, but that you love her enough to want to protect her. Someday she will appreciate that.

Just tell him, look, it doesn't matter what you say. You have to make the call, for your own good.

If you miss the call, your happiness will spring a leak.

Rob -

If the ex is even half as bad as you've described her (and Lord knows, I know of even worse), it is quite possible that your son never gets any of the letters. Or if he does, he has no real way to get back in touch with you (though you think he could sneak in a phone call when the ex is out). And he may not realize quite how sick his grandma is, what with teenage cluelessness, the denial we all can indulge in about such things, and probably being denied info and messages about his grandma by his mama.

I recall that you said your mama is a church goer. Perhaps you could ask her minister/pastor/priest to try to contact your son to let him know that he needs to talk to his grandma NOW. I would hope that Jennifer isn't so far gone that she'll refuse to let a minister talk to her son. And make sure that the minister knows he needs to talk to Quinton, not just leave a message for him with his mama.

You are all in my prayers, especially your mama. (Or should that be "Y'all are in my prayers"?)

Ga-Ne-Sha, I did not say that I necessarily agree with the privacy laws regarding minors, But as an RN who works in the OB/GYN clinic at our county health dept., I am obligated to follow the laws. We DO have to ask if we may give imformation to their parents. If they say that we cannot, we CANNOT. If I do, my faciliy can lose its' Medicaid/Medicare funds due to my HIPPA violation. It really sucks to have to tell a concerned parent that I cannot share information that I think they should have. But, I am fond of my nursing license and will follow the law until it is changed. Don't shoot the messenger. If you don't like the law, contact your legislators.