December 23, 2004

yankee-mobile

Who in the hell, other than a farooking YANKEE, would want one of these?

INTRODUCING THE CADILLAC NEW JERSEY

For the ultimate in luxury and safety, General Motors is proud to introduce the 2005 Cadillac New Jersey. While this stellar example of the finest in American engineering has been designed to keep you safe and comfortable in traffic jams that can last for hours, the Cadillac New Jersey is also capable of unleashing its 450 horses at a second’s notice, whether on the highway, or wherever you may be when a quick getaway is a must. This beauty comes standard with a 100 watt, 12 speaker, multi-disc stereo system, which has been specially wired and calibrated to flawlessly receive a dedicated satellite feed that plays nothing but Sinatra, Dean Martin, Al Martino, and Gerry Vale, 24/7.
In addition, the Cadillac New Jersey boasts important safety features such as bulletproof windows and doors and an optional armored undercarriage. Other options include: a multi-band police scanner, pasta bar, easy access gun ports, and a hermetically sealed, steam cleanable trunk to prevent unwanted odors from entering the passenger compartment.

The Cadillac New Jersey…..It’s a great freakin’ cah.

You couldn't GIVE one of those pieces of shit away down South, unless it was to a New Jersey snowbird headed for Florida. Here is the kind of vehicle WE prefer:

The Jawja Red-Necked Yee-Hah

"This ain't no CAR, people... it's a TRUCK, pre-dented and mud-stained so you don't have to worry about getting any dust on that show-room finish, like them yankee pussies do. Standard equipment includes a set of oversized tires and a hand-made dog-box in the bed, complete with two dogs, Buck and General Lee, and them's good dogs. They don't eat much and almost never howl at the moon.

"The trailer hitch is free. It once was chrome, until Wicked Wanda got her lips wrapped around it at Junior's birthday party last year, but you'll just have to accept the hitch the way it is, because Wanda is capable of amazing things when she gets a few margaritas in her. If you don't believe ME, ask Dwane, that shit-ass she's living with now. That bastard's been walking as if he had a bad case of the piles ever since he met her.

"Just look under the hood. How 'bout THAT? See? It comes with jumper cables permanently attached on one end. And looky here! That's genuine, double-rectified, blue-colored window-washing fluid in that plastic thingy there. You don't see much of that around here.

"Just crank her up. Oh, YEAH!!! Hear that? Well, of COURSE you don't hear that because she's a little contrary when you first try to get her running, kinda like a woman--- know what I mean? But smell that cloud of black smoke. Now THAT is burning oil. Damn! Makes me think of NASCAR races and one of my ex-wives. Ole Shirley was sumpin,' I'll tell you that...

"If you buy this fine vehicle now--- and don't worry about your credit--- I can cut you a deal even if the repo man is hauling off your single-wide as we speak--- I'll throw in this Confederate flag license plate and a pair of fuzzy dice to hang from your rear-view mirror, just as soon as we glue that sucker back on.

"Y'all wanna talk turkey or think about it for a minute? But I'll tell you right now: if you snooze, you lose on this baby. Ain't but one like it, and you're looking at it. If you don't jump right now, that old frog ain't gonna land on a lily pad."

Need a vehicle? Need one BAD??? Buy a Jawja Red-Neck YEE-HAH! today. They don't make 'em like that anymore.

I can write this satire because I am a Southerner. I OWN a truck a lot like that. No yankee can get away with the same thing.